


circles

by annakyun



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Depression, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 16:44:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11810058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annakyun/pseuds/annakyun
Summary: ‘I just want to be free for once, Jinyoung,’ Jaebum says to him, ‘I want to feel alive.’‘Don’t I make you feel alive?’‘Sometimes. But sometimes isn’t enough.’





	circles

**Author's Note:**

> idk what this is man, i just wanted to write a jjp and this thing happened uh--
> 
> pls make sure to read the tags!

_Take my hand lets go,_

_Somewhere we can rest our souls._

_We'll sit where it's warm,_

_You say look we're here alone._

 

-

The heat burns Jaebum’s skin, his lips, and his lungs. It twists and turns inside his body, dancing down his throat and settling inside his stomach. Inhale. Exhale. He holds it inside of his mouth until his lungs are screaming and eyes watering.

Breathing it out, Jaebum tipped his head back against the flaking metal of the water tank and stared up at the gloomy sky. Bunches of clouds hung low above the school buildings, looking fat enough to burst over his head at any moment. Jaebum wouldn’t move if it rained. He liked the way the water stabbed his skin like tiny little needles, drenching him until he was numb and shaking. It made him feel alive, just like every time he lit a cigarette. Exhilaration and addiction; two prime words to describe Jaebum’s existence.

A melted stump was all that was left in Jaebum’s fingers. The cartridge crumbled between his thumb and forefinger, burning the calloused pads of his fingertips. He held it there for a few seconds, seeing how much heat his skin could bear, before throwing it on the ground and stamping the remaining heat out with his boot. Some of the flaked metal fell from the tank when Jaebum pushed himself off of it, hands shoved deep in his pockets and head lowered.

-

Park Jinyoung doesn’t look like much at first, Jaebum decides. They’re both about the same height with dark hair, but that was where the similarities ended. While Jaebum is powerful and built, Jinyoung is all curves and soft skin. His fingers are long and thin. He holds his pencil the correct way and sits with his back straight, sharp eyes following every movement their teacher makes.

Jaebum notices the things Jinyoung does when he seems to think no one is looking: checking his phone under the table, sneakily chewing a piece of gum, rolling his eyes at a rather stupid answer Jackson gives the teacher.

Park Jinyoung doesn’t look like much at first because he isn’t. He’s fake, just like the rest of them are. Jaebum shoves his earphones in and keeps his head down for the rest of the lesson.

-

They never talk. It had been two and a half weeks since Jinyoung had transferred.

There was no particular reason for them to ever interact. Both of them ran in different social circles, Jinyoung with his prissy friends and Jaebum was always alone. On the rare occasion Jaebum would spend his lunch in the cafeteria, he would watch the way Jinyoung spoke with his friends. During this time Jaebum picked up on a few of the younger’s characteristics, like how he covered his mouth when he laughed and seemed to always eat meat at lunch.

Sometimes Jinyoung would look up at him, as if he felt the stare of another person. Whenever he did, Jaebum never looked away first.

-

Jinyoung is missing from school for four days. On the first day he is absent, Monday, he misses a mathematics exam. On Tuesday Jaebum overhears Mark complaining about how Jinyoung’s absence had delayed their choir practice. Wednesday and Thursday pass rather uneventfully and Jaebum wonders what Jinyoung is doing that is more important to him than school.

-

It’s a shock to see Jinyoung sat in Jaebum’s normal smoke spot, knees drawn to his chest. He’s shivering, Jaebum realises.

He doesn’t offer the younger a jacket.

‘Can I have one?’ Jinyoung whispers, voice almost carried away by the wind. His gaze is directed to the cigarette in Jaebum’s mouth.

‘Why?’

Jinyoung doesn’t reply. Jaebum sighs but shoves the stick in Jinyoung’s mouth, grinning wickedly at how Jinyoung chokes on the smoke.

-

It becomes somewhat of a routine for the two of them to meet at the water tank. They don’t talk much, Jaebum simply silently offering Jinyoung a cigarette.

Jinyoung never comes to the tank straight away. He always spends at least twenty minutes with his friends before escaping the cafeteria to sit with Jaebum.

Jaebum never mentions it, but he notices the bags under Jinyoung’s eyes, the slightly more sluggish way he seems to move. He privately wonders what happened on the days Jinyoung wasn’t at school.

Maybe Park Jinyoung used to be fake. But something had changed.

-

There’s a yellow bottle of Xanax in Jinyoung’s hand the next day when they’re at the water tank. Jaebum doesn’t react to it outwardly, noticing the panic in Jinyoung’s eyes as he quickly puts the bottle back in his knapsack.

They both have the same prescription.

-

Jinyoung was the kind of person to always be prompt, so when he doesn’t meet Jaebum after twenty-five minutes, he goes to look for the younger boy. Jaebum is irritated as he stalks through the hallways, bumping shoulders with people as he looks for Jinyoung.

The choir room is where Jaebum finds Jinyoung, but he isn’t alone. Mark Tuan is angrily scolding Jinyoung which only worsens Jaebum’s bad mood, because who the fuck does this guy think he is?

He tells Mark this, and Mark replies by pushing Jaebum back. His hands are tiny. Jaebum punches his face.

Only a few swings and blows are exchanged before someone wraps their arms around Jaebum. He goes to throw whoever it is off, but notices Jinyoung’s skinny hands locked around his ribs. There’s a funny feeling in his stomach.

Jaebum leaves with a hand wrapped around Jinyoung’s wrist and two angry seniors yelling at their backs.

-

Mark and Jinyoung don’t hang out anymore. Jinyoung never discloses what Mark had been yelling about. Jaebum doesn’t care.

That’s what he keeps telling himself, anyway.

-

It isn’t too long after that until Jinyoung is on his knees in front of Jaebum, shyly working his way up and down the older boy. Jaebum grips Jinyoung’s hair with one hand when nails scrape against his thighs, the other muffling his own obscene noises.

It’s quick, and Jaebum leaves Jinyoung alone in the bathroom, hands steady and breathing even.

Jinyoung sags against the wall and allows a few tears to slip down his cheeks.

-

Jugeum River was home to odd species of birds and the rare creepy hobo. Now it also housed two teenage boys.

It’s a chilling place to Jinyoung, but he says nothing because Jaebum looks so calm sitting on the bank. There’s no cigarette in his hand this time, instead he breathes in the smelly pond water and damp grass.

Jaebum begins to come to school less often, but they always make sure to meet at the river.

-

She relapsed on sleeping pills. She tried to leave Jaebum again, just like everyone else did.

_My mum is in hospital. I need you._

The reply is instant. _Where are you???_

Jinyoung stays with Jaebum for the whole night, soft thighs pillowing the older boy, carding his long fingers through Jaebum’s hair and whispering sweet words into his ear.

-

They don’t speak about the hospital. Jaebum is afraid, but Jinyoung is terrified.

-

Jinyoung is fifteen and Jaebum is sixteen when they both give themselves to each other. It isn’t soft and it isn’t loving. Jinyoung hadn’t expected it to be.

‘Under a bridge, really hyung?’ Jinyoung says with a laugh.

Jaebum doesn’t reply, the image of scars and burns littering Jinyoung’s soft body burnt into his eyelids. This time, he stays, arms wrapped around Jinyoung. He buries his nose in Jinyoung’s hair, smelling apple shampoo instead of the stank river water.

-

It’s a pattern, Jinyoung realises, of how Jaebum behaves. Every time he opens himself up a little he immediately closes down again, striking out at any gentle gesture.

Jinyoung wonders if this is what dying feels like.

-

‘What’s your favourite colour?’ Jinyoung asks Jaebum one day.

‘Red.’

‘Like blood?’

‘Hm, brighter. Red like strawberries and rhododendrons and the colour of your lips.’

-

Jinyoung doesn’t mention anything about Jaebum’s decreasing emotional stability. He doesn’t mention how Jaebum begins to smoke two packets of cigarettes a day, and throws his pills in the river.

‘I just want to be free for once, Jinyoung,’ Jaebum says to him after discarding the pills, ‘I want to feel alive.’

‘Don’t I make you feel alive?’

‘Sometimes. But sometimes isn’t enough.’

Maybe if he pretends he can’t see it, everything will be okay.

-

One night Jaebum lays Jinyoung like he never has, whispering gentle words and stealing Jinyoung’s breath away. Jinyoung pretends not to notice the silent tears streaming down Jaebum’s face.

-

Jaebum doesn’t meet Jinyoung the next day, or the day after that. He’s nowhere to be seen at school, and Jinyoung seems to be the only person concerned about his absence.

_Hyung, where are you?_

_Did I do something wrong..?_

_I miss you, okay. Don’t ignore me like this._

There’s a part of Jinyoung that is sure Jaebum will find him eventually at the river. Every afternoon after school he sits there in silence, eventually succumbing to sleep in the dark hours of the night. The river doesn’t scare him anymore, not when Jinyoung and Jaebum had marked it as their own.

_I love you, hyung. Please don’t leave me._

-

Five days. It’s almost been a week.

Jinyoung’s sandals crunch over dead leaves and twigs as he walks along the top of the riverbank. There’s a soggy packet of cigarettes floating in the water. They were the brand Jaebum smoked. And Jaebum was there too, waiting for Jinyoung just like he always would.

Jinyoung bets that Jaebum’s smoke filled lungs had never screamed as loud as he did that night.

-

 

_I was running in circles,_

_I hurt myself, just to find my purpose._

_Everything was so worthless._

_I didn’t deserve this._

_But to me, you were perfect._

-

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> this was a meSS™ grats if u made it to the end
> 
> i have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/annakyun) now so feel free to ask me questions or yell at me
> 
> you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/anakyun)
> 
> comments and kudos are much appreciated!!! (and motivate me lots <3)


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